Do you ever feel excited for something just to avoid engaging with it once you get it? I’m going through that right now.
But before I get into it, welcome to (or back to) the balancing act, where I share moments of seeking balance in life. I find myself chronically stuck between perspectives, and writing helps me balance the scales.
Current favorites from balancing act:
Clipped Wings - a poem about not feeling worthy to dream
Day 10 of 75: Crying on my yoga mat - where I shared an experience during a 75 soft challenge
Time is an Illusion: the project - a 4 part series discussing my journey of finding balance with perception of time
I started this series last year where I share what I’m currently obsessing over from music, art, media, etc. As best stated in the first article this series:
“I realized they’re all gifts sent at divine times. The music I'm interested in at any given moment usually deeply relates to what I'm going through. The hobby I gravitate towards is the necessary medium to channel the emotions I'm carrying at the time. And the random interest comes to me exactly when I need to learn something from it.”
A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting on the couch staring at the wall feeling drunk from hours on tiktok, completely disgusted with myself. This moment is partly what lead me to starting 75 soft to get my nervous system back right. As I was sitting there, I couldn’t help but stare at the stack of books sitting in front of me. Two of which I was very excited to get a few months ago, but for some reason I hadn’t read them yet.
Do yall go through this? Feel really excited for something just to get it and avoid indulging? I realized I do this with a lot of things. Books, clothes, etc. I didn’t understand it at all, so of course I had to journal it out. I, for whatever reason, really struggle to experience joy. In this case, I was afraid to enjoy those books and be left with nothing afterwards. I do this with shows I really enjoy too. I’ll binge all the episodes up until the last few and just stop watching because I don’t actually want it to end. Fascinating right?
Journal prompts & ponderings helping me through this phase:
What am I afraid of happening when I reach the end of the story?
Do I, in any way, believe that I need to earn a certain level of joy?
What have I been genuinely excited about indulging in lately and what’s keeping me from doing it?
When was the last time I felt comfortable indulging in something?
So far I’ve realized that I’m afraid of running out of things to enjoy (scarcity mindset), so I store away the few enjoyable things, waiting for the absolute perfect moment to indulge. (The exciting book, the special occasion outfit, etc). Or maybe it’s that I save things for when I feel like I’ve earned “that level” of indulging. Still not sure, but I’m getting somewhere.
Recently I took a break from social media, so I figured it’d be the perfect time to start reading one of the new books in my stack, and of course I fell in love with it. The enjoyment from that book caused me to start reading 3 other books simultaneously. Mainly, so I won’t binge it too fast and also, just because it reminded me of my love for reading. So that brings me to the first hyper-fixation.
In my bookbag:
Immortal by Sue Lynn Tan - a new romance story set in a celestial fantasy world, as a spin off of a celestial series based on Chinese mythology. Absolutely beautiful, I’m dreading this book ending.
Karmic Astrology, Vol. 1: The Moon's Nodes and Reincarnation by Martin Schulman - getting deeper into my astrology bag I got this to understand more about the north/south nodes and how its relates to past & current life experiences specifically. But to be honest, I got into it because of an excerpt someone shared on twitter. It was a beautiful allegory. Here for those interested.
Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants by Robin Wall Kimmerer - As the subtitle hints, its written by an indigenous botanist sharing her experience balancing scientific frameworks and indigenous wisdom about plant life and the land.
A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver
Always a few songs I can’t stop playing:
Leon Thomas - the whole album was just chefs kiss. it was such a nice classic groovy R&B sound and I couldn’t stop playing it months ago. The deluxe version brought me back into hyperfixation mode all over again like what crack did he put in Not Fair??
Rico Nasty - if I had a better nervous system I swear I’d be at the concert moshing. Every album feels a step closer to the screamo metal artist I know she wants to be, and this album was a gift to my inner child. It was the absolute perfect experimental blend, and it coming from her feels like permission to dive more into the genre. Honorable mentions:
Pink Pantheress - my UK queen! The whole reason I’m diving more into garage, house, drum and bass, etc now. Nothing special to say except I loved the album and play it almost every time I’m in the car
Jenevieve- certified platinum in my shower for the last few weeks. Its just something nostalgic about her style
Absolutely - Raye has a sister that can sing too! Just found her recently and I already know this song by heart, its not even released yet lol. The person in the beginning saying “this bitch can sing” is an understatement
Sailorr - I’m still trying to sort through the controversy with her but I fell in love with the album before I saw some of the discourse. Its a 10/10 no skips for me, certified platinum my shower
TV/Film: in my dark romance bag
Puella Magi Madoka Magica - A dark fantasy and psychological anime that is a complete work of art. It has themes of desire vs despair, hope, loss, love, loneliness, agony, morality, etc. I saw it for the first time months ago but still can’t get it off my mind. Thanks to youtube, I can’t stop watching video essays and theories about the past movies and new one coming this year. Every time I think about it my heart breaks again. 1000/10 my favorite anime/film series of all time.
How I Met Your Mother - most people know this show so I won’t waste any time explaining, however the obsession here is partly nostalgic because I found this show at a very interesting time in my life, but also because of the constant tug between giddy romantic moments and gut punching heart break moments. I absolutely love that in any form of media, give me all the feels.
Hobbies:
Painting - For a few weeks, it was painting. But I didn’t have the talent to produce the image in my mind so that was very short lived. I do believe that phase was representing craving a new perspective though. A new view.
Nature - Probably influenced by Braiding Sweetgrass, I just wanna be outside. I’ve been deeply craving being out in nature every day that I can. I’ve grown to look to my current hyperfixated hobbies to see what it is my soul is wanting to express - and with this I feel I’m craving expansion. I’m sick of being in the house all day, day after day, the same way I’m sick of working my corporate job all day, day after day. I just know my life journey is supposed to be much more than this experience and when I’m in nature I feel boundless.
Other articles in this series:
As always, these hyperfixations help me understand my inner world better and I share them for other neurospicies to know they’re not alone. This time around I struggled a ton with balancing the ability to experience joy. Just like any other emotion, it needs to be able to flow in and out, and I’m learning that I hide things in a cage. With this impaired flow, I’m left with no joy to flow at all.
⚖️ and with that, the scales are more aligned. Thanks for being here 🤍
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This was such good read! I can’t wait to spend my Sunday listening to all of your music recommendations! They always hit. The part of the article you really unlocked in my brain is that I too try to put emotions in a box instead of just letting them flow. Such a weird realization but I’m glad to have the awareness now.
Yay I hope you enjoy the music! Isn't it interesting how we allow some emotions to flow easily while others (often the negative ones for me) are held hostage? Lol it was a weird realization for me too.
And thanks for reading 🤍🤍🤍