Everything I can’t stop thinking about

Poetry, music, and diagnoses

This month, I was hit with not one but two diagnoses that completely shook up my reality. Was I surprised at all? No, but the confirmation changed everything. These weeks started with curiosity, evolved into anger, and then transformed into grief. Lots and lots of grief.

But beneath it all is an unfamiliar sense of relief and validation I didn’t realize I needed. To feel understood for once, even if just on paper, is so… I can’t quite find the words yet.

What I can say is I’m proudly neurodivergent as hell, and I’m happy to share the things I’ve obsessed over before putting them down again, especially now after confirming the very root of this tendency.

If you’re not familiar, neurospicy folks tend to hyper-fixate on things, then abruptly lose interest. I started this “Everything I can’t stop thinking about” series as a digital archive of all the beautiful things I loved, regardless of how long I enjoyed them. Plus, I almost always revisit things once enough time has passed to call them nostalgic.

I hope this serves as a cozy corner of the web for you to visit amidst the chaos of the world.

Previous posts from this series

---

---

Proudly, here’s what I’m obsessed with now:

Poetry.

My first love, and first abandoned. (I wrote about this recently here)

Two years ago, I published a small chapbook called The Box with poems I wrote sporadically over the years. Lately, I’ve been feeling called back to poetry. To read more, study the medium, and practice. I can feel in my bones that some ideas are waiting for me to bring them to life. And so I followed. I took my first poetry workshop in September and absolutely loved it. Then another earlier this month. I wrote great things, but even better, I read great things. I discovered my love for annotation and analyzing written works because of them. This is all I want to do lately, and it even inspired me to consider a few MFA programs.

here’s a few of my favorite poems from the last few weeks:

• Power

• Black lead in a Nancy Meyers film

• Even the rocks are dying

• Having had a little bit of enough

• One Art

Music.

I could talk miles about each, but in short, here’s the music I’ve been stimming with lately.

Kali Uchis for a good shower and post-shower stim. Something about Kali’s voice and nostalgic vibe of this project just softens me.

wHIMSY by Destin Conrad for the daytime stim. This was my intro to Destin and I’m definitely a fan. This alternative jazz album has been on repeat every single day since it dropped. The project theme, mix of raw instruments, poetry bits, and the sprinkle of R&B is all so addictive.

MALIK by Venna for the late-night stim. Another black jazz album by saxophonist Venna who I just discovered a few weeks ago. Nothing more to say except an amazing alternative jazz album with a lot of big name features (Jorja Smith, Leon Thomas, Smino). Cannot get enough.

Jorja Smith and the hopefully upcoming house album.

Ghetto-tech to push through work. I cannot get through a work shift without listening to a ghetto tech DJ set. 100/10 recommend. Two of my most repeated:

TV

Ahh, it feels so good to get back into my K-Drama bag with As You Stood By. I highly encourage watching content from other regions if you aren’t already. The plotting in a lot of Asian productions is 100/10, so much better than American.

Ponderings

Last, and not so fun: I’m enjoying reading about neurodivergence and contemplating its meaning. I understand that my physiology is different than the defined norm, but I can’t help wanting to roll my eyes at the idea. The more I learn, the more I question why the norm is what it is. Who determined that and defined it so? Is it all just a matter of who had access to write their opinions down first?

This reminds me of the ridiculous medical issues that no longer exist, but were obviously discovered by a certain demographic.

Like Drapetomania¹, the condition labeling runaway slaves for simply wanting freedom.

Or the old label of hysteria² for women feeling… literally anything. But that’s now replaced with “overweight” and “anxiety,” so really, have the times changed?

Or most recently removed in 2021, eGFR³, which is a measure of kidney function specifically for black people under the racial assumption that we carry more muscle mass — ha, no wonder all the dialysis clinics are in black neighborhoods. The test just added a racist curve, and many have died because of it. Crazy.

With neurodivergence, I’m feeling similar vibes as above, and I suppose I’ll save the details for another article. The many, many tangents I could go on wouldn’t fit in this one piece.

Overall, I’m constantly questioning what worldview my reality is being shaped around. Whose values am I being measured against? Whose biases are labeling me? Whose imagination am I living in? Whose box have I been trying to fit into?

---

Thanks for being here 🤍

Consider subscribing to the balancing act ⚖️, where I share moments of seeking balance in life. I find myself chronically stuck between perspectives, and writing helps me balance the scales.

All creations & updates @ lavendulaonline.com

---

1. https://jimcrowmuseum.ferris.edu/question/2005/november.htm

2. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3480686/

3. https://www.kidneyfund.org/all-about-kidneys/tests/egfr/egfr-test-change-removal-race-calculation